Sunday, September 15, 2013

ZOMBIE LIFE STINKS!

            There are numerous books, movies, and articles that talk about zombies.  Zombies attacking here, zombies eating them, even zombies from outer space.  There are even entire websites and blogs dedicated to zombies, the undead.
            What is the attraction?  Just like vampires and werewolves, the rise of zombie cults defies reason.  What is so special about zombies?  They aren't pretty.  They really do stink (all that rotting flesh can't smell pleasant).  Zombies don't bathe (unless you count blood).  Of all the horrifying transformations that humans can be put through zombies, hands down, are the most disgusting of the bunch.
            Vampires dress nice.  Usually are fairly attractive.  Female vampires have long flowing gowns, well combed hair, and, in general, are very attractive.  Male vampires are debonair.  They have style and a touch of aristocracy.  Sure every once in a while they forget to wipe their face after eating and can be quite horrifying in their true form but hey, no one's perfect.
            Werewolves are bit more gruesome.  Their transformations are somewhat less violent than those of zombies.  The werewolf form is scary as hell but in a odd sense powerful and beautifully dark.  With werewolves there is always a solemn back-story.  We feel for the beast who is cursed to roam the woods every full moon.  Often werewolves will beg for their nemesis to end it for them (shortly before attacking them as they hesitated).  Still, being a werewolf does not really intimidate me as much as being a zombie.
            Zombies are sick.  Seriously.  They are irreversibly infected with a germ that makes them walk around rotting, eat the uninfected, and seemingly hang out in large groups waiting for someone to attack.  Zombies have no home life, no love interests, and at the end of the day, no one feels bad when zombies die.  In fact, we are elated that the gross undead vermin has had its head crushed by a baseball bat, shot to pieces by a twelve gauge shotgun, and decapitated by a machete.  So why then do so many people chose to dress up as zombies for parties, Halloween, and any other sick little soiree people chose to dress up for?  I have a theory.
            People are attracted to the zombie genre because its mindless and doesn't involve too much thought.  Think about it (oops sorry about that....never mind).  Vampires must have a past to consider.  As portrayed in the newer genre of vampire movies such as Underworld or Twilight, vampires are somewhat chic and very trendy.  They party at underground clubs.  Dress in black leather.  Most are card carrying members of the NRA judging by the amount of guns they have.  Werewolves, often found together with vampires, are a bit more brutish.  Much like that big old lovable pitbull that cuddles with you but will tear apart any intruder without remorse, werewolves are second-class citizens in the world of cursed human creatures.
            Zombies are the slobby, booger eating jerks of that world.  I doubt if zombies are even allowed near vampires or werewolves.  I have yet to see any movie where zombies hung out with either of them.  So in the cursed world of humans, zombies are double-cursed.  Ostracized by the very ghouls, human society has expelled.  How low must you be for that to happen?
            The real tragedy of being a zombie, is that it can't get any better.  You either rot to death, eventually die of starvation if you're unfortunate enough to transform on an island with only one other zombie, or some wise guy zombie slayer smacks you in the face with a Louisville Slugger.
           You can't get dressed up.  Taking a bath may cause a premature loss of skin, hair, and body parts.  Nope, I am sure of this.  To be a zombie sucks.  You shouldn't make it a life goal nor a career choice.  If ever faced with a choice, you should strongly consider the other two options.  There is simply no future in being a member of the walking undead.    
    

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